Real Housewife of Oak Hill

What I Didn't Know

Things I didn't know about motherhood:

You will smell like sour milk even when you don't think you do.

You will be surprised how much another person's body fluids don't bother you anymore.

You will realize you really liked not having your period and plot to get pregnant as soon as possible to keep it at bay.

You will not be able to return emails or phone calls in a timely manner.

You will miss your baby when someone else is holding him.

You will burst with love you didn't know you had.

You will be annoyed that everyone was right when they told you that before you had kids.

You will turn off news programs and movies about child abuse because you can't stand to even hear about it.

You will need your partner more than you ever thought you did.

You will appreciate your parents.

You will turn into this thing if you only use one arm to carry your baby:

 

Or more accurately, you will turn into this:

 This is the one that really concerns me.

 

Not just "no", but...

...duck no.

May the Force be with you! (And also with you.)

An actual, real live snippet of our book group conversation the other night:

 

"Oh, I've had laser hair removal. I was hairy as a wookie."

"What's a wookie?"

"Chewbacca."

"Oh! From Bionic Woman."

Blank stares followed by a full thirty seconds of silence.

"What?! Chewbacca is from Star Wars."

"What am I thinking of? Oh, right. Sasquatch. I don't like Star Wars."

More stunned silence.

 

WHO DOESN'T LIKE STAR WARS?! It's STAR WARS, for cryin' out loud! Someone's parents needed this:

 

 

That still makes me laugh even though it's been out for awhile. It reminded me of this:

 

Even three year olds think it's exciting!

 

Maybe someone in our book group needs to see Thumb Wars.

And don't get me started on Family Guy!

 

I have just spent way too much time on the interweb. 

 

Granny Smith and The Honeycrisp Kid

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. My mom is funny:

"You know how the Amish always make sure there is at least one flaw in anything they make, like quilts, because only God is perfect? I sewed a valance for the RV with the print upside down! It's an old west print - I'm pretending the rocks are clouds. We're currently seeking Amish friends for a camping trip. . ."

As Amurrican as Apple Pie

In honor of America Day:

 

Three Wrongs Definitely Don't Make a Right

I actually have some decent stuff to write about, but not right now. Much more important (read: inappropriate, hilarious and/or otherwise frivolous) things to talk about. 

I found out about a little gem of a show watching Carson Daly (today's his birthday!) the other night. You know I've decided that he is actually pretty cool. I had written him off after his stint on TRL. He's grown-up now; knowledgeable and not hard on the eyes in a generic kind of way. Anyway, I caught him interviewing the guy from 10 Items or Less, a short lived show on tbs, that I LOVED! Turns out that guy is one dirty MFer. He has a five minute improvised on-line show called Jailbait that is seriously offensive to, well, everyone. If you're at all offendable, you will be offended, so don't come crying to me when your mouth drops open. (Or you're annoyed by the constant repetition of ads for Bad Teacher. Or frustrated that it lags a little bit.) But by all means do come to me when you laugh your freakin' ass off. I can't get the first episode to embed so... "How to Survive State Prison".

 

In other web news: Way, way back when I started blogging, I wrote about things I should have done when I thought of it. I can now add a subcategory: "Shoulda Been Me". On top of roller derby, drunk cooking should have been my dubious claim to fame. Hannah Hart is my new hero. A friend sent this article by way of introduction and I've already watched all the episodes and ordered a t-shirt. My Drunk Kitchen is laugh out loud funny and not offensive unless you don't like the occasional F-bomb. Makes me miss drinking. I can't decide on my favorite episode so here's a teaser. Probably doesn't do her justice.

 

 

Speaking of kitchens... not really. I think I've died and gone to Heaven. Biscoff cookies are one of my all time favorite things. I used to fly Delta just to get them. Seriously. That was the only place you could find them. At one point I Googled them and there was no stateside distribution. Imagine my surprise when I walked into Central Market the other day and found a wall of this:

I think I let out an audible squeal of delight. It's Europe's favorite cookie with coffee, for cryin' outloud! Not only were there the cookies, but there was a spread which I wrote off until I came across a sample table of it by the Kim's Pop'ems or whatever the Hell those rice cake poppy things are. I spread a glob of it on one and immediately circled back to get a jar. It's 57% cookies. It's made out of cookies! What? Are you kidding me?! They say it's a substitute for peanut butter, but it is no where near as healthy as peanut butter. But it's way more delicious. I'm talkin' "eat-straght-outta-the-jar" delicious. And if you're naked that's your business.

One, two, three wrongs.  All right by me.

Damn the Luck

The good luck: I had a healthy baby, an easy pregnancy and a relatively fast labor.

The bad luck: I don't get to do this:

Texas Monthly and Alamo Drafthouse teamed up to do an all summer long Rolling Roadshow of ten of the best Texas movies of all time. Giant in Marfa, Texas Chainsaw in Kingsland, Bonnie and Clyde in Pilot Point... you get the idea.

What could be a better next step in summer adventure?! Too bad I can't do it. I mean, I could, but not without some obstacles. Like someone to breastfeed my baby.

Someone go do this - go to all of the movies - and tell me how fun it was. No. Nevermind. Don't. I don't want to know how much fun I'm missing.

What am I saying?! I'm not missing anything. I went on my adventure last summer because I wasn't working. Now my job is to watch my baby sleep. I should have done this a long time ago...

 

But on second thought, if you do go to all movies... go ahead and tell me how it is. I hope it's grand!

Summertime, Summertime, Sum-sum-summertime

Thought this was super appropriate as this whole blog-thing started because of summer.  I love summer for the same reason I love Friday nights - it's full of possibility.

 

Stolen from my dear, sweet friend Jenny Wren's Facebook note:

 "Thinking about summer. Thinking about adventures.

  I'm SOO ready for the adventures with my kids as we travel to familiar places to see cousins and the places we love, the adventures we'll have in our own backyard, and the adventures in our relationships just because we have time to hang out together. I love having the time to just BE with them and not have to herd them somewhere. I look forward to being able to appreciate and encourage their creativity, rather than making them think imagination and creativity in the mornings makes us late for school.

  I'm holding my breath for a trip to Haiti with friends. I'm just giddy that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into or what I'll come home with. (I am allowing myself to hope that none of it will require antibiotics.) I'm equal parts excited and wary of all the things I know will come from that 8 days--the things we'll fall in love with and the things that will bring on knee-buckling sadness, the friends we won't want to leave and the things we will wish we could erase from our memories.

  I'm thinking about how adventures always bring on life-changes--some are immediate, some may not show up for years. And I'm wondering what will be different at the end of this summer's adventures. I love the anticipation and I can't wait to be in the middle of it.

--Yep. I'm ready for Summer."

 

Get out there and grab it, ya'll!

 

Weird, Wild Stuff

Some crazy, cosmic matriarchal stuff was going on Easter weekend.  

My maternal step-grandmother told us Easter Sunday that she dreamed about the baby the night before.  She dreamed that he came early and she knew exactly what he looked like.  I say she told "us", I didn't hear her, but my mom did.  She apparently went on and on about it because it was so vivid to her. 

I got a call that afternoon from one of my paternal great-aunts.  We had just visited them a month or so ago (after WAY, WAY too long) so it's not out of the blue that she'd call, but it's not a regular occurrence by any means.  She left a message that said she knew I was close to term and that she'd been thinking about us and "lifting us up in prayer so the load won't be quite so much to carry around all day".  I was so touched; it was so sweet and unexpected.

Monday rolls around, but not just any Monday.  It would have been my mother-in-law's 73rd birthday.  She died two years ago on May 16th.  Owen was due May 18th and we had a feeling he might come on the day she died if she had anything to do with it.  Well, she did.  Just not when we thought.  My water broke on her birthday, Monday, April 25th.  

Cosmic energy April 23rd, April 24th, April 25th... Owen was born April 26th.

Tell me that shit ain't real.

In Googling "cosmic energy" to find another word to use, I came across "Shakti" in a Wikipedia entry (not everything they post is wrong).  Now I do not claim to fully understand it, I don't even fully understand the religion I was brought up in, but I think it a freaky coincidence that Shakti is the "primordial cosmic energy... that move[s] through the entire universe... Shakti is the concept, or personification, of [the] divine feminine creative power, sometimes referred to as 'The Great Divine Mother' in Hinduism. On the earthly plane, Shakti most actively manifests through female embodiment and creativity/fertility..."

TELL ME THAT SHIT AIN'T REAL!

So Baby Owen, you have three lovely ladies to thank for your early arrival.  There had to be a reason even if we may never know what it is.

It may be just to make up for how many times I'm going to make you late for baseball practice.  Sorry, sweetie. 

Not to get all mushy on my first post back, but...

I'm going to.

Catching up on Glee! last night, I heard this song.  I guess I like Fleetwood Mac as much as the next person, but have to say I don't think I have ever willingly listened to "Rumors" in it's entirety.  Hence never having heard this song.  I think there was a reason... and he was in my lap at that moment.

I can't sing, but I like to and I want to sing to Owen.  

By the way, this is Owen:

And I knew at that moment that this was the song I'm supposed to sing to him.  Out of tune and crackley, but with all my heart.

 

"And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before."