In tonight's performance, the part of the Rodeo Queen will be played by an actual, real life Rodeo Queen. The part of the idiot will be played by me.
Me: What's that smell?!
Rodeo Queen: Mmmm... that's hay.
Me: That... is not hay.
Rodeo Queen: Well... it WAS hay at some point, if you know what I mean. Is it weird that I love that smell?
(whispering) Why are those cows wearing helmets?
BAHAHAHA... those are called "horn wraps". They protect the steer's horns and ears from the cowboy's ropes.
Can they hear me? (snicker) Did they ride the short bus here?! (snicker, snort!)
Stop it.
That calf's lookin' at me.
Don't feed him. He'll follow you.
Can I really feed him?!
Oh brother... no.
I have to say, the diversity represented in this bull pen signifies to me the cautiously optimistic inevitability of a unified world where we can all live in peace and prosperity without regard to race, color or religion.
Ohkaayy... just wait 'til they get in the arena and some 150lb cowboy is strapped to them. THEN we can talk about living in peace and prosperity.
Wait. Where is everyone? Why are we watching a tractor? This isn't Monster Truck.
We're here early. Old Jim Bob there is getting the arena smoothed out for the first event. There are no people here because we are here during "Slack".
(blank stare)
Rodeo slack is an overflow of contestants in a performance. Slack is held only if the "perf" fills. You see a rodeo usually goes for 3 hours or so and there are 8 events in a typical PRCA (Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association) rodeo. The "perf" time constraint typically allows for 10-15 contestants per event. That'd be a minimum of 25 contestants per hour and the rodeo will open the contest to many more cowboys and cowgirls than that anyway so some of them "draw" to compete in the slack performance. You have just as much chance to win the overall event if you perform during slack because it all boils down to the numbers.
I know this one! It's barrel racing!
Good for you! Yes. This is the main event for women in most rodeos. (There are Women's rodeo organizations when they can compete in all the events, even bull riding!) Barrel racing is a timed event including a 3-barrel "cloverleaf" pattern. They can start on either the left or right barrel then serpentine around the other barrels and sprint back to the finish line. Their time is only deducted if they knock a barrel over - tipping doesn't count - a good barrel racer will steady a barrel if her horse knocks into it without letting it fall. Totally legal. A knocked over barrel is a 5 second penalty, which is death to any hope of winning the event. I've never seen a barrel race won by anyone who didn't have a "clean" run.
It also looks like they may do what's called "breakaway" tonight.
(blink, blink)
"Breakaway" is calf roping for "girls" (very sarcastic air quotes), but when the cowgirl's loop catches the calf's head, rather than jumping off, throwing the calf, and tying it's feet... they stop their horse and the rope just breaks away.
What's the point of that?
Exactly.
Why is that cowboy's rope light blue?
You get extra points for style.
Nu-uh!
Well, not in timed events anyway. There are different styles, sizes and weights of ropes so naturally they can come in different colors too. Think guitar strings... every musician has a preference like a brand or weight that they prefer.
And it's pretty.
Yes, it is.
That looks like it hurts the calf.
Calf roping is a tough event to defend - those calves are CUTE! - but actually more cowboys are hurt than animals! I can tell you that they are well cared for and that the rodeo sanctioning bodies have extremely particular concerns and guidelines to protect the well being of the animals so the PRCA has strong legislation about their safety and care. Plus the Stock Contractors lose money if their property (the animals) get hurt. A calf roper is severely fined for injury caused to a calf, even if it's unintentional. I've seen world champion cowboys lose their eligibility to win a rodeo for a calf getting injured totally by accident.
You lost me at Stock Contractors.
The Stock Contractors provide the animals used in the rodeo events - calves, bucking horses, steers, bulls, etc. They are paid by the rodeo committee to "rent" the use of the animals to the rodeo for that event. The cool thing about a rodeo bull, let's say, is that he may work a total of 1 minute per year. There are limitations on how many events an animal can work per year. So at 8 seconds a pop, a bull is really very seldom used. The rest of the time he gets to eat grass and do what bulls do. Make little bulls.
Whoa, cool. What happens to them when their rodeo career is over?
They become that chicken fried steak you just ate. Or your tires. Or your shoes. Or your deodorant. Or insulin...
(gulp)
Just kidding. They usually use great bulls and rodeo stock for breeding.
My head is kinda spinning. What else do I need to know?
All rodeo events came from actual things you had to do on a working ranch - catch runaway calves, hold them down to brand them, break-in horses, etc.
Ranch hands and cowboys in the old west used to gather stock from all areas of the ranch and hold contests. All the events essentially began as a "dare". Bull riding is strictly ego though. Like, "Hold my beer and watch this, I bet I can ride that thar bull for longer 'n you!".
"Roughies" (bull riders, bareback bronc riders, saddle bronc riders) don't like "Timeys" (calf ropers, steer wrestlers, and team ropers) and vice versa. Timeys are pretty boys and Roughies are meat heads. You understand.
Being a Clown is the toughest job. We call them "Cowboy Lifesavers". They may look like fun characters in makeup and baggy pants, but they are paid to get in between the bull and the cowboy and give the bull rider a chance to escape. That's like volunteering to be a human shield. Pretty intense stuff.
Being a Rodeo Queen is harder than it looks. An 8-year old rodeo queen named Josie once told me (as she was gritting her teeth getting her hair put in curlers and sweating her little heart out in a sequin sweater in 100 degree heat), "(sigh) Beauty
is pain."
I loved being a rodeo queen - it gave me a chance to be part of a dying tradition which is pretty unique to our country. Ranch life and the cowboy lifestyle is continually fading in this fast-paced modern world. I feel like I learned everything you ever need to know about life at a rodeo:
1. Take care of your own BS. (Don't expect anyone to pull your weight for you.)
2. When you get bucked off, get back on. (Don't let a little setback make you quit - learn from your failures and face them head-on)
3. Always be on time (I'm still working on that one, but I CAN get ready for work in about 10 minutes, makeup and all.)
4. Smile. (Never, under any circumstances, let them see you sweat. Even if you are stuck with a Hell Horse from Hades...smile. And wave.)
5. Be a good winner, be a good loser. (Always congratulate your competition, even if they beat the pants off you. And ESPECIALLY if you beat the pants off them.)
Can I go poke the bulls now?
Nope. They'll poke you back.
*All Rodeo Queen photos used here by permission from the lovely Meagan Jones, who may or may not be my Rodeo Queen. And no you can't have her. Go get your own.
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